CoDA Patterns

Recovery Patterns of Codependence Reflection Group

A branded group guide for exploring denial, low self-worth, compliance, control, avoidance, connection, vulnerability, self-acceptance, and recovery integration.

Important Safety Note: These questions may bring up feelings, memories, grief, shame, or fear. Members are encouraged to move gently, share only what feels safe, and seek outside support when needed.
Meeting Readings

Volunteer Readings

Ask for volunteers to read the following:

CoDA Preamble

Open Reading

12 Steps

Open Reading

CoDA 12 Promises

Open Reading

Introduce Material: Host should post the meeting material and ask for volunteers to read if needed.
Meeting Safety

CoDA Guide to Sharing

As we pursue our recovery, it is important for each of us to speak, as we are able. Many of us find speaking among others, especially strangers, a very difficult task. We encourage people to begin slowly and carefully.

It is the intention of every CoDA member and group not to ridicule or embarrass anyone. Nothing that is shared is unimportant or stupid. The sharing of our experiences is best done with “I” statements. “Crosstalk” and “feedback” are discouraged.

What is Crosstalk?

Crosstalk can include giving unsolicited feedback, advice-giving, answering, making “you” and “we” statements, interrogating, debating, criticizing, controlling, or dominating. It may also include minimizing another person’s feelings or experiences, physical contact or touch, body movements such as nodding one’s head, calling another person present by name, or verbal sounds and noises.

Safety Reminder: In our meetings we speak about our own experience, and we listen without comment to what others share. We work toward taking responsibility in our own lives, rather than giving advice to others. Crosstalk guidelines help keep our meeting a safe place.
Commitment & Reflection

Group Guidelines

Commitment

  • Group begins promptly at 7:00 PM EST.
  • Please arrive on time and ready to participate.
  • Coming in late can disrupt the safety, flow, and connection of the group.
  • Consistency and commitment are important to the healing process.
  • If you miss more than two meetings, we kindly ask that you sign up for another future group when you are able to fully commit.

Reflection

This group is an opportunity to practice mindful listening, self-awareness, emotional honesty, and willingness.

As others share, we encourage you to:

  • Listen with compassion and without judgment.
  • Notice what emotions, thoughts, memories, or reactions arise within you.
  • Reflect on how you identify with the shares and what truths may be surfacing for your own recovery.
  • Share from your personal experience rather than giving advice or fixing others.
Healing Reminder: Awareness is the beginning of change. These patterns are explored with compassion, not self-judgment.
7th Tradition

Group Series Donation

In keeping with CoDA’s 7th Tradition, this group is fully self-supporting. While there are no dues or fees, we do have expenses, and contributions are appreciated.

A one-time suggested donation of $20 is welcome for this series. If you’re unable to give, please keep coming back — your presence matters more than your contribution.

PayPal

Donate Through PayPal

Zelle

Name: ES CoDA Group

Phone: 914-907-7493

Overview

Purpose

This CoDA Patterns group is designed to help members reflect on the Recovery Patterns of Codependence and gently move from old survival behaviors into healthier recovery patterns.

The group explores denial, low self-worth, compliance, control, avoidance, connection, vulnerability, self-expression, self-acceptance, and emotional honesty.

Group Focus: Awareness, self-acceptance, healthy self-expression, trust, letting go, connection, vulnerability, and recovery integration.
Emotional Safety

Group Safety

Some questions may bring up old wounds, shame, grief, anger, or fear. Members are encouraged to be gentle with themselves and to choose the questions that most resonate.

Members are invited to:

  • Share only what feels safe.
  • Pass at any time.
  • Use “I” statements and speak from personal experience.
  • Avoid giving advice, fixing, rescuing, or analyzing another member’s share.
  • Practice grounding before and after difficult reflections.
  • Reach out to a sponsor, therapist, trusted recovery friend, or support person if difficult emotions arise.
  • Remember that awareness is progress.
Meeting Structure

Suggested Weekly Format

Each session may be adapted for a 75-minute or 90-minute group. The purpose is not to answer every question perfectly, but to allow each member to choose the questions that most resonate with their recovery.

Opening • 5 Minutes

Spiritual Check-In

Hand over chest, close your eyes and say: “In this moment I feel _____________.”

Reading • 10 Minutes

CoDA Readings

Readings: CoDA Preamble, 12-Steps, and CoDA 12-Promises.

Weekly Theme • 10 Minutes

Introduce the Pattern

Read the weekly pattern and introduce the focus of the reflection.

Sharing • 7 Minutes

Member Sharing

Members share from the questions or writing exercise of the week.

Reflections • 1 Minute

1-Minute Reflection

Members can write or reflect from their personal experience back to the member who shared only if it resonates.

Closing

Final Emotional Check-In

Hand over chest, close your eyes and say: “In this moment I feel _____________.”

Leader Note: Remind members of time. If there’s no other reflection for about a minute, go on to the next person who would like to share next. Also, thank each member for sharing.
Pattern Reflection

Denial → Awareness

Theme: Moving from emotional denial into honest self-awareness.

Purpose: To gently notice where feelings, needs, pain, and support may be minimized, hidden, or avoided.

Journaling Questions

  1. What emotions do I struggle to identify or express? What might I be avoiding feeling right now?
  2. In what ways do I minimize or deny my true feelings to keep the peace or stay connected?
  3. Where in my life do I confuse caring with caretaking? What am I trying to gain by taking care of others?
  4. Have I ever judged someone for traits that I may also carry within myself? What does that reveal?
  5. How do I mask my pain — humor, anger, withdrawal, distraction? What is underneath those behaviors?
  6. Where do I act like I don’t need help? What would it feel like to allow support in?
Recovery Intention: I am willing to notice what I feel without judging, minimizing, or denying my truth.
Pattern Reflection

Low Self-Worth → Self-Acceptance

Theme: Moving from self-criticism and shame into self-acceptance.

Purpose: To explore the stories, beliefs, and reactions that keep members feeling unworthy or not enough.

Journaling Questions

  1. In what areas of my life do I feel “not good enough”? Where did that belief begin?
  2. How do I judge myself harshly? What would it look like to practice “progress, not perfection”?
  3. How do I respond when I receive praise, love, or recognition? What makes it uncomfortable?
  4. Do I seek approval from others before trusting myself? What would it feel like to trust my own voice?
  5. Do I truly believe I am lovable and worthy? If not, what stories am I holding onto?
  6. How do I react when I make mistakes? Can I begin to meet myself with compassion instead?
Recovery Intention: I am learning to meet myself with compassion, dignity, and acceptance.
Pattern Reflection

Compliance → Healthy Self-Expression

Theme: Moving from self-abandonment into honest self-expression.

Purpose: To identify where members silence themselves, over-adapt, compromise values, or accept less than they need.

Journaling Questions

  1. Where in my life do I stay too long in unhealthy or unsafe situations?
  2. Have I ever compromised my values to avoid rejection or conflict? What did that cost me?
  3. When do I put others’ needs before my own? What am I afraid will happen if I don’t?
  4. Do I take on other people’s emotions as my own? How can I begin to separate my feelings from theirs?
  5. Where do I hold back my truth, opinions, or feelings? What feels unsafe about expressing them?
  6. Have I ever accepted less — emotionally or physically — than I truly desired? Why?
Recovery Intention: I can express my truth with respect for myself and others.
Pattern Reflection

Control → Trust & Letting Go

Theme: Moving from control and fixing into trust, boundaries, and surrender.

Purpose: To understand the fears underneath control, fixing, advice-giving, and the need to be needed.

Journaling Questions

  1. Where do I try to control people, outcomes, or situations? What fear is driving that?
  2. Do I give advice or try to fix others without being asked? What need is that meeting in me?
  3. How do I feel when others don’t take my advice or help? What does that trigger?
  4. Do I feel the need to be needed in relationships? What would a balanced relationship look like?
  5. In what ways do I try to manipulate outcomes — subtly or directly? What would surrender look like here?
  6. Where can I begin to trust others — and my Higher Power — more?
Recovery Intention: I am allowed to let go of control and practice trust, boundaries, and self-care.
Pattern Reflection

Avoidance → Connection & Vulnerability

Theme: Moving from emotional avoidance into safe connection and vulnerability.

Purpose: To identify ways members avoid intimacy, conflict, needs, feelings, and healthy closeness.

Journaling Questions

  1. How do I avoid intimacy — emotional, physical, or spiritual? What am I protecting myself from?
  2. Do I use distractions — people, habits, work, substances — to avoid deeper connection?
  3. How do I communicate when conflict arises — directly or indirectly? What am I afraid of?
  4. What feelings or needs do I suppress to avoid vulnerability?
  5. Do I ever pull people close, then push them away? What fear is underneath that pattern?
  6. What would it look like to allow safe, healthy closeness into my life?
Recovery Intention: I can move toward safe connection at a pace that honors my nervous system and my truth.
Pattern Reflection

Integration & Recovery Reflection

Theme: Bringing awareness into daily recovery action.

Purpose: To reflect on what is changing, what is healing, and how members can practice honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness.

Journaling Questions

  1. What is one pattern I am becoming aware of in my life right now?
  2. What does my “in recovery” version of myself look like today?
  3. What small step can I take today toward healing and self-trust?
  4. Where can I practice honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness — HOW — in my life?
Recovery Intention: Recovery grows through awareness, honesty, willingness, and small daily actions.
Meeting Closing

Closing Format

Closing Statement

As we bring this meeting to a close, I would like to remind you that CoDA is an anonymous program. We ask that you respect the anonymity and confidentiality of each person in this meeting. We ask that what you see here, what is said here, when you leave here, let it stay here.

Close with the Serenity Prayer

God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; and Wisdom to know the difference.

Closing Intention

Recovery is not about judging our patterns. It is about becoming aware, practicing compassion, and choosing new behaviors one day at a time.

I am willing to move from denial into awareness, from control into trust, from avoidance into connection, and from self-abandonment into recovery.