6-Week Family Patterns & Behaviors Assignment
A branded CoDA / IFS-informed reflection guide for exploring generational family patterns, codependency, addiction, trauma, survival roles, emotional safety, and healing.
Opening Format
Read Opening Statement
Good evening (morning, afternoon) and welcome to the meeting of Co-Dependents Anonymous. My name is __________ and I am a codependent. I am your meeting leader tonight (today).
CoDA asks those with cell phones and pagers to please turn them off or place them on silent for the duration of the meeting, so we can keep our focus on the meeting without interruptions.
Please help me open this meeting with a moment of silence followed by:
The CoDA Opening Prayer ©
In the spirit of love and truth, we ask our Higher Power to guide us as we share our experience, strength, and hope. We open our hearts to the light of wisdom, the warmth of love, and the joy of acceptance.
Volunteer Readings
Ask for volunteers to read the following:
Group Guidelines
Commitment
- Group begins promptly at 7:00 PM EST.
- Please arrive on time and ready to participate.
- Coming in late can disrupt the safety, flow, and connection of the group.
- Consistency and commitment are important to the healing process.
- If you miss more than two meetings, we kindly ask that you sign up for another future group when you are able to fully commit.
Reflection
This group is an opportunity to practice mindful listening, self-awareness, and emotional honesty.
As others share, we encourage you to:
- Listen with compassion and without judgment.
- Notice what emotions, thoughts, memories, or reactions arise within you.
- Reflect on how you identify with the shares and what truths may be surfacing for your own recovery.
- Share from your personal experience rather than giving advice or fixing others.
Group Series Donation
In keeping with CoDA’s 7th Tradition, this group is fully self-supporting. While there are no dues or fees, we do have expenses, and contributions are appreciated.
A one-time suggested donation of $20 is welcome for this series. If you’re unable to give, please keep coming back — your presence matters more than your contribution.
PayPal
Zelle
Name: ES CoDA Group
Phone: 914-907-7493
Purpose of This Assignment
This 6-week assignment is designed to help participants look deeper into generational family patterns, family secrets, emotional wounds, and inherited behaviors that may have shaped codependency.
This work is not about blaming our families. It is about awareness, compassion, truth, and recovery.
We are learning to ask:
- What patterns did I inherit?
- What behaviors did I normalize?
- What roles did I learn to play?
- What wounds did I carry?
- What parts of me developed to survive?
- What patterns am I now ready to heal?
Group Safety Guidelines
Because this assignment may bring up painful memories, each participant is encouraged to move slowly and gently.
Members are invited to:
- Share only what feels safe.
- Pass at any time.
- Avoid graphic details when discussing abuse or trauma.
- Focus on personal feelings, patterns, and recovery.
- Listen without advice, fixing, rescuing, or judging.
- Reach out for additional support if difficult emotions arise.
- Practice grounding before and after each session.
Suggested Weekly Format
Each session may be adapted for a 75-minute or 90-minute group. The purpose is not to answer every question perfectly, but to allow each member to choose the questions that most resonate with their recovery.
Spiritual Check-In
Hand over chest, close your eyes and say: “In this moment I feel _____________?”
CoDA Readings
Readings: CoDA Preamble, 12-Steps, and CoDA 12-Promises.
Introduce the Week
Read the theme and introduce the focus of the week.
Member Sharing
Members share from the questions of the week.
1-Minute Reflection
Members can write or reflect from their personal experience back to the member who shared only if it resonates.
Final Emotional Check-In
Hand over chest, close your eyes and say: “In this moment I feel _____________?”
IFS Reflection Lens
In this assignment, we gently explore the “parts” of ourselves that may have formed in response to family patterns.
The Caretaker Part
The part that rescues, fixes, manages, or feels responsible for others.
The Controller Part
The part that tries to manage people, outcomes, emotions, or situations to feel safe.
The Avoidant Part
The part that withdraws, disconnects, distracts, or shuts down.
The People-Pleasing Part
The part that says yes when it means no in order to avoid rejection or conflict.
The Inner Critic Part
The part that judges, shames, or pushes us to be perfect.
The Wounded Child Part
The younger part that may still carry fear, sadness, loneliness, shame, or unmet needs.
Core IFS-Informed Questions
- What part of me is showing up right now?
- What is this part trying to protect me from?
- How old does this part feel?
- What does this part need me to know?
- What does this part need from me today?
- Can I meet this part with curiosity instead of judgment?
Family Issues to Reflect On
Participants may gently reflect on whether these issues were present in their family system:
For Each Issue, Ask:
- Who was affected by this pattern?
- Was it spoken about openly, denied, minimized, or hidden?
- What role did I play in response to this pattern?
- How did this issue shape my beliefs about love, safety, trust, money, emotions, or self-worth?
- What codependent behaviors may have developed from this family pattern?
Family Mapping & Emotional Safety
Reflection Focus
- Maternal grandmother, grandfather, mother, aunts, uncles, siblings, and cousins.
- Paternal grandmother, grandfather, father, aunts, uncles, siblings, and cousins.
Journaling Questions
- What family patterns am I already aware of?
- What subjects were avoided, denied, or kept secret in my family?
- What emotions were allowed in my family?
- What emotions were not safe to express?
- Who in my family carried the most pain?
- Who in my family seemed emotionally unavailable?
- Who did I feel responsible for?
- What role did I learn to play in order to feel safe or loved?
- What part of me feels nervous about looking at family patterns?
- What does that part need in order to feel supported?
Addiction, Alcoholism & Compulsive Coping
Patterns to Investigate
- Addiction
- Alcoholism
- Gambling
- Workaholism
- Hoarding
- Emotional dependency
- Obsessive helping or rescuing
- Using busyness to avoid feelings
Journaling Questions
- Where did addiction or compulsive behavior show up in my family?
- Was the behavior openly acknowledged or denied?
- Who protected the person with the addiction or compulsion?
- Who suffered silently because of it?
- Did I learn to rescue, cover up, explain, or minimize someone else’s behavior?
- Did I learn that love meant tolerating chaos?
- Did I become hyper-responsible because someone else was unreliable?
- What part of me still feels responsible for keeping things together?
- What fear comes up when I stop rescuing or managing others?
- What would healthy detachment look like for me today?
- What are you afraid would happen if you stopped helping?
- When did you first learn this role?
- What do you need from me today?
Depression, Mental Illness, Suicide & Emotional Silence
Patterns to Investigate
- Depression
- Anxiety
- Mental illness
- Suicide
- Emotional shutdown
- Chronic sadness
- Silence around pain
- Fear of being “too much”
Journaling Questions
- How was sadness handled in my family?
- Was mental illness discussed, hidden, judged, or minimized?
- Did anyone in my family seem emotionally absent or unreachable?
- How did my family respond to grief or crisis?
- Did I feel responsible for making others feel better?
- Did I learn to hide my own sadness to protect others?
- What beliefs did I develop about needing help?
- Do I judge myself when I feel depressed, anxious, or overwhelmed?
- What part of me still feels alone with emotional pain?
- What would it feel like to let safe support in?
Abuse, Shame, Secrecy & Survival Roles
Patterns to Investigate
- Physical abuse
- Sexual abuse
- Emotional abuse
- Threats or intimidation
- Family secrecy
- Shame
- Blame
- Denial
- Scapegoating
Journaling Questions
- What forms of harm or fear existed in my family system?
- Was I allowed to say when something hurt me?
- Did my family protect the vulnerable, or protect the image of the family?
- Did I learn to stay silent to survive?
- Was I blamed for things that were not my fault?
- Did I become the helper, hero, scapegoat, invisible one, rebel, or peacekeeper?
- What part of me still carries shame that does not belong to me?
- What boundaries were missing in my family?
- What boundaries do I need now?
- What would it mean to believe: “What happened was not my fault”?
Control, Perfectionism, OCD Behavior & Family Rules
Patterns to Investigate
- OCD behavior
- Perfectionism
- Control
- Criticism
- Image management
- Emotional rigidity
- Fear of mistakes
- Fear of disorder
- Fear of judgment
Journaling Questions
- What rules did my family live by, spoken or unspoken?
- Was perfection expected in my family?
- How were mistakes handled?
- Did I learn that being good, useful, quiet, or successful made me lovable?
- Where do I still try to control people or outcomes?
- What fear is underneath my need to control?
- What happens inside me when things feel uncertain?
- Do I use order, planning, work, or perfectionism to avoid feelings?
- What part of me believes everything will fall apart if I let go?
- What would surrender look like in one area of my life?
Integration, Codependency Patterns & Breaking Cycles
Patterns to Investigate
- Codependency
- People-pleasing
- Rescuing
- Control
- Avoidance
- Low self-worth
- Fear of abandonment
- Emotional enmeshment
- Poor boundaries
- Over-responsibility
- Shame
- Self-abandonment
Journaling Questions
- What family patterns do I now see more clearly?
- Which patterns have I repeated in my own relationships?
- Which patterns have I tried to avoid but still carry emotionally?
- What role did I play in my family system?
- How does that role still show up today?
- What codependent behaviors helped me survive but no longer serve me?
- What part of me is afraid to change?
- What part of me is ready to heal?
- What cycle am I willing to interrupt?
- What new recovery behavior can I practice this week?
Integration Exercise
In my family, I learned that love meant
In my family, I learned that emotions were
In my family, I learned that my role was
Today, I am learning that love can be
Today, I am allowed to feel
Today, I no longer have to
The cycle I am choosing to break is
Final Reflection Letter
Dear Self,
I see now that some of the patterns I carried did not begin with me. I honor the parts of me that learned to survive. I thank the parts of me that protected me. I am no longer here to shame myself for what I had to do to feel safe.
Today, I am learning a new way.
The family pattern I am becoming aware of is
The part of me that needs compassion is
The behavior I am ready to release is
The boundary I am ready to practice is
The healing belief I want to carry forward is
I am allowed to heal.
I am allowed to change.
I am allowed to break cycles.
I am allowed to become more fully myself.
With compassion,
[Your Name]
Closing Intention
This work is not about blaming the past. It is about seeing clearly, honoring the parts of us that survived, releasing what no longer belongs to us, and choosing recovery one pattern at a time.