Power of Eight

CoDA Steps 4, 5 & 6 Reflection Group

A branded group guide for deepening awareness of family secrets, relationship harms, belief systems, hurt lists, fear, control patterns, inner child healing, money beliefs, and generational family patterns.

Important Safety Note: This group includes deep introspection and may bring up painful memories, grief, resentment, shame, fear, or trauma. Members are encouraged to have a support system in place and to share only what feels safe.
Meeting Readings

Volunteer Readings

Ask for volunteers to read the following:

CoDA Preamble

Open Reading

12 Steps

Open Reading

CoDA 12 Promises

Open Reading

Introduce Material: Host should post the meeting material and ask for volunteers to read if needed.
Meeting Safety

CoDA Guide to Sharing

As we pursue our recovery, it is important for each of us to speak, as we are able. Many of us find speaking among others, especially strangers, a very difficult task. We encourage people to begin slowly and carefully.

It is the intention of every CoDA member and group not to ridicule or embarrass anyone. Nothing that is shared is unimportant or stupid. The sharing of our experiences is best done with “I” statements. “Crosstalk” and “feedback” are discouraged.

What is Crosstalk?

Crosstalk can include giving unsolicited feedback, advice-giving, answering, making “you” and “we” statements, interrogating, debating, criticizing, controlling, or dominating. It may also include minimizing another person’s feelings or experiences, physical contact or touch, body movements such as nodding one’s head, calling another person present by name, or verbal sounds and noises.

Safety Reminder: In our meetings we speak about our own experience, and we listen without comment to what others share. We work toward taking responsibility in our own lives, rather than giving advice to others. Crosstalk guidelines help keep our meeting a safe place.
Commitment & Reflection

Group Guidelines

Commitment

  • Group begins promptly at 7:00 PM EST.
  • Please arrive on time and ready to participate.
  • Coming in late can disrupt the safety, flow, and connection of the group.
  • Consistency and commitment are important to the healing process.
  • If you miss more than two meetings, we kindly ask that you sign up for another future group when you are able to fully commit.

Reflection

This group is an opportunity to practice mindful listening, self-awareness, and emotional honesty.

As others share, we encourage you to:

  • Listen with compassion and without judgment.
  • Notice what emotions, thoughts, memories, or reactions arise within you.
  • Reflect on how you identify with the shares and what truths may be surfacing for your own recovery.
  • Share from your personal experience rather than giving advice or fixing others.
Healing Reminder: Healing often begins by simply becoming aware of what comes up inside of us.
7th Tradition

Group Series Donation

In keeping with CoDA’s 7th Tradition, this group is fully self-supporting. While there are no dues or fees, we do have expenses, and contributions are appreciated.

A one-time suggested donation of $20 is welcome for this series. If you’re unable to give, please keep coming back — your presence matters more than your contribution.

PayPal

Donate Through PayPal

Zelle

Name: ES CoDA Group

Phone: 914-907-7493

Overview

Purpose

The Power of Eight is a group focused on reviewing Steps 4, 5, and 6 of a recovery program. The purpose is to increase awareness of belief systems, CoDA patterns, and the possible negative impact of behavior on relationships.

The group involves deep introspection through lists and writing exercises that explore family secrets, belief systems, hurts, fears, resentments, shame, regrets, worries, money concerns, and family history background.

Recommended Readiness: Participants are encouraged to have a support system in place due to the potentially triggering nature of the discussions and are recommended to have completed the first three Steps before joining.
Emotional Safety

Group Safety

Because this group explores painful family patterns, relationship harms, fear, shame, and trauma, members are encouraged to move gently and only share what feels safe.

Members are invited to:

  • Pass at any time.
  • Avoid graphic details when discussing abuse or trauma.
  • Reach out to a sponsor, therapist, trusted recovery friend, or support person if difficult emotions arise.
  • Practice grounding before and after each meeting.
  • Focus on personal awareness rather than blaming or diagnosing others.
  • Honor confidentiality and anonymity.
Meeting Structure

Suggested Weekly Format

Each session may be adapted for a 75-minute or 90-minute group. The purpose is not to answer every question perfectly, but to allow each member to choose the questions that most resonate with their recovery.

Opening • 5 Minutes

Spiritual Check-In

Hand over chest, close your eyes and say: “In this moment I feel _____________.”

Reading • 10 Minutes

CoDA Readings

Readings: CoDA Preamble, 12-Steps, and CoDA 12-Promises.

Weekly Theme • 10 Minutes

Introduce the Week

Read the theme and introduce the focus of the week.

Sharing • 7 Minutes

Member Sharing

Members share from the questions or writing exercise of the week.

Reflections • 1 Minute

1-Minute Reflection

Members can write or reflect from their personal experience back to the member who shared only if it resonates.

Closing

Final Emotional Check-In

Hand over chest, close your eyes and say: “In this moment I feel _____________.”

Leader Note: Remind members of time. If there’s no other reflection for about a minute, go on to the next person who would like to share next. Also, thank each member for sharing.
Week 1

Family Secrets

Theme: Exploring secrecy, trust, and hidden family dynamics.

Purpose: To identify family secrets, off-limits topics, and how secrecy shaped safety, honesty, and trust.

Reflection Questions

  1. What secrets did your family keep from the outside world?
  2. What family secrets were revealed later in life, and how did that affect your trust?
  3. What topics were considered off-limits in your home? For example: money, sex, addiction, abuse, or feelings.
  4. How did keeping secrets impact your sense of safety and honesty?
  5. How do you notice yourself repeating or breaking the cycle of secrecy today?

Thoughts & Feelings

  • What emotions arise when recalling these secrets, such as fear, anger, sadness, or relief?
  • What beliefs about yourself or others were formed as a result of family secrecy?
Week 2

Relationship Harms

Theme: Looking honestly at harms done, harms received, guilt, resentment, and relationship patterns.

Purpose: To increase awareness of relationship injuries, codependent coping, and the impact of words, behaviors, silence, and avoidance.

Reflection Questions

  1. Who have you harmed through your behaviors, words, or silence?
  2. Who has harmed you in relationships?
  3. When you think about these harms, which are the hardest to forgive?
  4. What patterns do you notice? For example: controlling, rescuing, withdrawing, lying, or enabling.
  5. What harms do you continue to carry guilt or resentment for?

Thoughts & Feelings

  • What feelings surface when you reflect on harms you have done or received?
  • What beliefs about love, intimacy, or safety come from these experiences?
Writing Exercise: Letter to Someone You’ve Harmed

Dear [Name],

I am writing this letter as part of my healing process through my recovery work in Co-Dependents Anonymous. You have played an important role in my life, and I want to acknowledge the ways in which our relationship has affected me.

There have been things I have held onto — hurts, resentments, disappointments, and misunderstandings. Some of these may be rooted in your actions, and some may come from my own expectations, fears, or patterns of behavior. I am learning to take responsibility for my part while also honoring the truth of my experience.

I felt [describe the emotions you felt: e.g., abandoned, unworthy, dismissed, controlled] when you [describe the behavior or pattern that hurt you]. It impacted how I saw myself and others, and it led me to react in ways I now understand were part of my codependent coping.

Through this Fourth Step, I am seeing how I may have placed unrealistic expectations on you, or tried to control, fix, or please you in order to feel safe or loved. I see now how I may have lost parts of myself in that process.

This letter is not about blame — it’s about release. I am choosing to let go of the resentment that has weighed on me. I am choosing to forgive — not necessarily to forget or pretend everything was okay — but to free myself from the emotional chains of the past.

With honesty and care,

[Your Name]

Week 3

Core Beliefs

Theme: Identifying the beliefs that shape self-worth, relationships, spirituality, and behavior.

Purpose: To notice which beliefs support recovery and which beliefs keep members stuck in old patterns.

Reflection Questions

  1. What do you believe about yourself at your core? For example: worthy, unlovable, capable, or powerless.
  2. What do you believe about others? For example: trustworthy, dangerous, unreliable, or supportive.
  3. What do you believe about relationships? For example: they always fail, they’re worth it, people will leave, or love heals.
  4. What do you believe about a Higher Power or spirituality?
  5. Which beliefs guide your behavior in healthy ways, and which ones keep you stuck?

Thoughts & Feelings

  • What emotions surface as you sit with these beliefs?
  • How do these beliefs show up in your daily self-talk?
Week 4

Hurt List Exercise

Theme: Identifying unresolved hurt, resentment, thoughts, and emotional responses.

Purpose: To uncover recurring relationship patterns, thought processes, and emotional responses.

Hurt List Exercise

In this exercise, you will create a Hurt List to identify and process unresolved emotions.

1. Hurt

Describe specific situations where you felt hurt, resentful, or emotionally impacted.

2. Toward Whom?

Identify the person or people involved.

3. Thoughts

What beliefs or interpretations arose from the experience?

4. Feelings

Name the emotions you experienced, such as anger, sadness, rejection, or fear.

Example

Hurt: “I felt hurt when my mom compared me to my sister.”

Toward Whom? Mom

Thoughts: “I’m not good enough.”

Feelings: Hurt, rejected

Writing Exercise: Letter to the Person Who Harmed Me

Dear [Name],

I’m writing this letter not for you, but for me — to give voice to the pain I’ve carried and to begin releasing the hold it has had on me. I need to say what has been left unsaid, to honor my feelings, and to take responsibility for my own healing.

You hurt me. [Describe the situation(s) clearly and honestly.]

Your actions left me feeling [name the emotions: hurt, angry, abandoned, scared, rejected, etc.]. For a long time, I didn’t know what to do with those feelings, so I buried them, carried them silently, or let them shape how I saw myself.

I believed things about myself because of what happened — things that were not true. But those beliefs were born out of pain, not truth. I see that now.

I am choosing to heal. I am choosing to grow. I am choosing to let go — not because you deserve forgiveness, but because I deserve peace.

This is where I leave this pain. This is where I reclaim myself.

[Your Name]

Week 5

Fear List

Theme: Naming fears connected to relationships, self, life, and childhood experiences.

Purpose: To gently bring fear into awareness and identify which fears members are ready to face in recovery.

Reflection Questions

  1. List your fears about relationships.
  2. List your fears about yourself.
  3. List your fears about life.
  4. Identify fears connected to childhood experiences.
  5. Which fears feel overwhelming, and which do you want to face in recovery?

Thoughts & Feelings

  • What emotions come up when you see your fears written out?
  • What thoughts tend to repeat around fear?
Week 6

Control, Coping, and Survival Strategies

Theme: Understanding control as a survival response and exploring healthier recovery behaviors.

Purpose: To investigate how control once helped members survive and how it may now limit intimacy, trust, and authenticity.

Reflection Questions

  1. How did you learn to control people, situations, or yourself in order to feel safe?
  2. In what ways did control help you survive earlier in life?
  3. How does control show up for you today? For example: people-pleasing, perfectionism, fixing, avoiding, or emotional shutdown.
  4. What happens inside you when you feel out of control?
  5. How has control interfered with intimacy, trust, or authenticity in your relationships?

Thoughts & Feelings

  • What emotions arise when you notice your need for control? For example: fear, anxiety, anger, or shame.
  • What beliefs are underneath your control patterns?

Control-Pattern Checklist

Check any patterns you recognize in yourself. Awareness, not judgment, is the goal.

  • Rescuer: I feel responsible for fixing others’ problems or emotions.
  • Fixer: I offer solutions even when they aren’t asked for.
  • People-Pleaser: I prioritize others’ needs over my own to avoid conflict or rejection.
  • Perfectionist: I believe things, or I, must be perfect to be safe or accepted.
  • Controller: I try to manage outcomes, people, or situations to reduce anxiety.
  • Avoider: I withdraw, shut down, or distract myself to avoid discomfort.
  • Caretaker: I focus on others’ well-being while neglecting my own needs.
  • Hyper-Independent: I struggle to ask for help or rely on others.
  • Emotional Manager: I monitor and adjust my behavior to keep others calm or happy.
  • Self-Critic: I use harsh self-judgment to stay in control or prevent mistakes.

Reflection

  • Which patterns feel most familiar?
  • Which patterns once helped you survive but now limit your growth?
  • What healthier behaviors could replace these control strategies?

Writing Exercise: Letting Go of Control

Write about a situation where you tried to control an outcome or person to feel safe. What were you afraid would happen if you didn’t? What might it look like to respond with trust, boundaries, or self-care instead?

Week 7

Letter to My Inner Child

Theme: Offering compassion, safety, and validation to the younger self.

Purpose: To reconnect with the wounded child part and offer care, protection, acceptance, and love.

Letter to My Inner Child

Dear [Inner Child’s Name or “My Little One”],

I see you now, clearer than I ever have before. I know you’ve been carrying so much — pain, fear, confusion, and sadness — holding it all in because you thought you had to. I want you to know that you don’t have to carry those burdens alone anymore. I’m here now, and I’m listening.

I’m sorry for the times you felt scared, unseen, or unheard. I’m sorry for the moments when you needed comfort and no one was there to hold you. You didn’t deserve the pain, the neglect, the criticism, or the confusion. None of it was your fault.

You are enough. You always have been. You didn’t have to be perfect to be loved. You didn’t have to earn your worth. It was always there, just because you exist.

From now on, I promise to take care of you. I will protect you the way you deserved to be protected. I will listen when you’re scared, hold space when you’re sad, and celebrate your joy without conditions. You are safe with me now.

Thank you for surviving. Thank you for holding on. I love you, exactly as you are.

With all my heart,

[Your Name]

Week 8

Money List

Theme: Exploring family money rules, money fears, and the emotional impact of money in relationships.

Purpose: To uncover spoken and unspoken beliefs around money, safety, control, scarcity, dependency, and avoidance.

Reflection Questions

  1. What spoken and unspoken money rules existed in your family?
  2. What are your earliest memories of money?
  3. What money fears do you have today?
  4. How has money impacted your relationships?
  5. How do you use money to feel safe, in control, or to avoid emotions?

Thoughts & Feelings

  • What emotions are attached to money for you?
  • What recurring money beliefs still guide your choices?
Week 9

Maternal Grandmother

Theme: Understanding generational influence through the maternal grandmother.

Purpose: To explore her personality, values, life events, presence or absence, and how she shaped family beliefs.

Guided Reflection

  1. What strengths or struggles did you observe?
  2. How might her coping patterns show up today?
  3. What beliefs did you inherit from her?
Week 10

Maternal Grandfather & Extended Family

Theme: Exploring family roles, systems, traditions, and emotional expression.

Purpose: To reflect on emotional expression, suppression, family traditions, and messages from the maternal line.

Guided Reflection

  1. How were emotions expressed or suppressed?
  2. What coping strategies were modeled?
  3. What messages did you receive from extended family?
Week 11

Paternal Grandmother

Theme: Exploring nurturing, values, traditions, and emotional legacy.

Purpose: To identify values, coping patterns, and emotional influences from the paternal grandmother.

Guided Reflection

  1. What values or traditions came from her?
  2. Did she model healthy or unhealthy coping?
  3. How does her influence show up today?
Week 12

Paternal Grandfather & Integration

Theme: Breaking cycles and integrating awareness from both sides of the family.

Purpose: To connect patterns across family lines and identify cycles members are ready to break.

Guided Reflection

  1. What patterns repeat across both sides of your family?
  2. How have these patterns shaped your relationships?
  3. What cycles are you ready to break?

Writing Exercise

Write a short letter to yourself acknowledging the patterns you’ve identified and affirming your commitment to healing.

Meeting Closing

Closing Format

Closing Statement

As we bring this meeting to a close, I would like to remind you that CoDA is an anonymous program. We ask that you respect the anonymity and confidentiality of each person in this meeting. We ask that what you see here, what is said here, when you leave here, let it stay here.

Close with the Serenity Prayer

God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; and Wisdom to know the difference.

Final Group Intention

This work is about awareness, honesty, compassion, and responsibility. We are learning to see old patterns clearly so we can heal, make different choices, and build healthier relationships.